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Remember This?: Old McDonald’s Apple Pies

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I dreamed last night that I went to Taco Bell for a caramel apple empanada. When I got there, they were revising their menu and most of it was covered over in pieces of cardboard. My delicious, sweet, fried empanada was no longer there.

It made me sad. The dream was very realistic because usually my favorite foods get discontinued. Does anyone else remember Kraft having frozen meals? I was particularly fond of the ravioli filled with mozzarella. There is a great family (meaning just my mom and I) story about me turning around quickly in the kitchen and all the ravioli and tomato sauce slopping off the plate with the centrifugal force my body created. Man, what I wouldn’t give for that plateful of cheesy, tomatoey gooey goodness one last time.

At McDonald’s? Chicken nuggets have stood the test of time, with varying degrees of quality through the decades. A Big Mac, supposedly their signature sandwich? I could care less. I only ate them when I had a year’s worth for free. Even then, I had to order it without the special sauce. But their apple pies? Oh, how I loved those. And no, not the BAKED doughy version they have now, filled with apples slices that are too large and topped with a pile of cinnamon. I love cinnamon, I truly do, but I don’t want it all piled in one spot on top.

Oh God, I would give my pinky toe nail for one of those right about now.

Oh God, I would give my pinky toe nail for one of those right about now.

No, I loved the McDonald’s apple pies of my youth. I believe they went by the wayside in the early 1990s. They were fried, because the outer shell was all golden and crispy. The texture was all these tiny little air bubble bumps along the outside. When you bit into it, it crunched with deep-fried deliciousness. Usually you also burned your lip on the steam, if not on some of the extra-sweetened apple goo that would get stuck to your lip that would continue to scald until you could manage to lick it off and burn your tongue in the process.

Such uniform, processed steaming-hot perfection!

Such uniform, processed steaming-hot perfection!

Inside were diced apples, all uniformly sized in their heavily processed form. It was the definition of DESSERT, as much as you can have without chocolate anyway. It wasn’t a half-assed attempt to make your dessert healthy, with the baked and the less sugar nonsense.

The caramel apple empanada dream upset me so because that is the closest thing I have found that I can still get that reminds me of the old McDonald’s apple pies.

I am apparently not the only one still pining for this fruity delight. There are recipes all over the Internet trying to duplicate the taste and consistency of the original: you can find one here. I am afriad of hot grease, so my attempting it seems highly unlikely. There are still infrequent fried apple pie sightings across the United States, but they seem to be harder to find than a needle in a haystack.

Holy crap! Look at what they serve in Japan. I would totally try that.

Holy crap! Look at what they serve in Japan. I would totally try that.

Now go on about your day. Just try not to think about the crunchy, gooey deliciousness that you can no longer have. Because you can’t. It’s gone. It has gone by the wayside, just like MicroMagic cheeseburgers and old Wendy’s French fries.

Now you can’t stop thinking about them, can you? Your mouth is watering. It would be a great trifecta of garbage food filling up your stomach. Excuse me, I need to take off now and, um, drive thru, I mean drive to the store. Yes, yes….that’s what I meant…

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What I Learned This Week – 5/24/15

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I was at McDonald’s with my family this week. I was merrily chewing away on my chicken nugget when I grabbed the fountain cup that I assumed was mine. I took a big swig to wash down the compressed mystery chicken meat and greasy batter (Delicious!), when I realized I had my husband’s cup.

This week I learned that iced tea tastes like I imagine garbage juice would taste.

You know, when all the liquid in the garbage settles to the bottom, but then a hole gets in the bag and it leaks out and is an unappealing brown color.

WEEK-Picky Eater

That is exactly what tea tasted like. I have never had it before, and can guarantee (barring another fast food mix-up) I will not have it ever again.

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What I Learned This Week – 6/9/13

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Photo: YouTube.com

Photo: YouTube.com

This week I learned that while my husband and I are both working for the first time since our son, M, was born 2 1/2 years ago, our living conditions at home are deteriorating.

Thursday from 10PM on played out like a painful sitcom episode. My husband and I both arrived at our wonderful babysitter’s house, having both worked for 8 hours. This was a miscommunication, because my husband’s job is 10 minutes from the sitter. My job? An hour. We were all starving (I assure you, the babysitter did feed my child. But his schedule is so far out of whack, that he now eats fourth meal on a regular basis.). So, I sent the husband home with the kid and to let the dogs out (who had been left an hour beyond their expected bathroom limits), while I headed off to the McDonald’s all-night drive through to buy a randomly-selected number of double cheeseburgers.

I arrived home, walked in the back door, and felt something stuck to the bottom of my shoe. I looked to discover it was dog poop. I cursed the dogs for pooping right outside the back door (I had not walked through the yard). I continued further into the kitchen for paper towels, only to discover that I had poop on both my shoes. And that is was actually diarrhea inside the back door on the laundry room floor.

My husband left my unhappy, thirsty, hungry son on the couch while we worked to get the mess cleaned up and the starving dogs fed (A rug was completely discarded in the process). We did manage to eat our dinner, although my son kept dropping chunks of burger on the couch, much to the non-diarrhea dog’s delight. I changed my son’s diaper one more time, gave the sick dog some Pepto-Bismol, and forgot to brush his teeth (the boy, not the dog). I went out and wiped down the floor a second time, which seemed to finally rid us of the doggy diarrhea odor.

The following night, on the same time table, seemed to go smoother. Only one parent showed up to claim the child (still me), we had dinner that wasn’t fast food, and no one pooped on the floor! Ya! Maybe this 2 jobs thing just requires practice.

I also learned that I have trouble working AND keeping up with my blog. But I assure you, I have many completed posts in my cue and the next three days off. Just let me catch up:)

What I Learned This Week – 6/2/13

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This week I learned that:

1.  Green Skittles are now green apple flavored, rather than lime.  Both are gross.

2.  It is supremely rude to type a phone number into your phone as I am on the phone giving it to you. IT IS LOUD on my end!

3.  I think I might need to eat a Mrs. Field’s cookie every day for my entire life.

4.  Eating Egg McMuffins at 12:15AM are not a good idea.  (Wait, I already knew that, but did it anyway…)

5.  Back to the Future is very unrealistic. There is no way they could know exactly what millisecond that lightning would strike.*

6.  That my dog may be more closely related to dingos than I at first thought.  See for yourself.

My Dog Dave

Dingos at the Toledo Zoo

*  The time travel, flux capicitor, and the DeLorean becoming one of the most iconic movie cars of the decade are totally possible and believable.

What I Learned This Week – 5/5/13

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This week I learned that if you are going to stand on your feet for 8 1/2 hours, you need to have very good shoes.  I did not.  Then I proceeded to climb up to my 2nd floor and back down the stairs again to prepare for a garage sale the next day.  By Sunday morning, my feet felt like they were on fire.

My garage sale only made enough money to buy lunch for 2 1/2 people at McDonald’s.  But I did figure out that a 6 foot tall nutcracker is a good way to catch the eye of traffic as it passes by.

I blame my lack of writing productivity (blogging and otherwise) on the Stanley Cup Playoffs.  The Vancouver Canucks and the Detroit Red Wings play on alternating nights.  After 10PM (when my toddler son, M, goes to bed) is usually my most productive time.

And, well, that was my week.

"Get out of here squirrel!  My giant nutcracker has no giants nuts for you, so just scram!  You have done enough damage around here, you filthy varmint!"

“Get out of here squirrel! My giant nutcracker has no giants nuts for you, so just scram! You have done enough damage around here, you filthy varmint!”

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