Tag Archives: humor

Issues with Tissues

Posted on October 23, 2012 by funnygurl2

In another one of my more confessional blogs, I have to admit something that my closest friends and family already know.

I have issues with tissues.

STOP LAUGHING!!! I know that it sounds cute and rhymey, but it is a serious issue. It causes awkward social situations. More so than I would normally encounter with having anxiety and being a picky eater.

I think my issue comes from when I was a small child. My mother LOVES tissues. (Facial tissue, such as Puffs or Kleenex.) She would have a box or two in every room of the house. She used to sit on the end of the couch and use like ten tissues in one sitting. She would ball up each one and lob it toward the wastebasket. Now, you need to realize that the wastebasket was at the OTHER end of the couch. All the tissues made a pink ring on the floor around the wastebasket. So, like, the next time she got up (possibly the next morning), she would pick them up and take care of them.

This thoroughly repulsed me!

So, from a young age, I refused to use tissues.

    Reason #1: Because my mom LOVES them.

    Reason #2: Because the texture is awful! Too soft!

    Reason #3: Because they can’t capture my snot.

When I blow my nose, I make a big blow. It cannot be contained by a tissue.

How does this lead to awkward social situations, you ask?

Think about when you are the most upset. When you are crying (for any reason: death, injury, etc.). What do people hand you?

A FRICKIN’ TISSUE!

I am perfectly happy using paper towels for any purpose someone might use tissues for.

So, if you see me in distress, NEVER, EVER hand me a tissue.

Thank you in advance.

* My green-haired friend coined the actual term “Issues with Tissues”.

** I don’t have a fear or phobia of tissues. I just find the texture highly displeasing. I do not have an issue with toilet paper for toilet needs. Unless the toilet paper gets water dripped on it from the sink and becomes damp. That totally grosses me out. That makes it seem like it has already been used or something. And, oh yeah, it is still too soft to blow my nose with.

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The Bounty of My Garden

Posted on October 11, 2012 by funnygurl2

Most people garden and grow a plentiful bounty of vegetables that make their way onto their dinner tables and into their stomachs.

Our garden? Eh, not so much.

Gourd collection on the front steps


We got gourds. Lots of ’em. And they are large too. I, personally, don’t know anyone who eats a gourd. But they are pretty. And it saves us money on Halloween decorations. Did I mention we have a few small white pumpkins as well?

This started last fall. After Halloween last year, when the decorative fruit started to get squishy, my husband threw our white pumpkins and gourds into the corner of the backyard we call our garden.

We call it the garden, but no matter how many times he rototills the ground, grass insists on growing there. Which is super humorous, because we can’t get grass to grow in the rest of our yard at all!

This spring my husband planted sweet corn. But, surprisingly, the gourds came up as well. My husband almost mowed off the vines, but I knew what they were from having unsuccessfully tried to grow pumpkins year after year growing up.

Our Garden


So, the corn grew and the gourds grew. We called it my husband’s garden and I left it up to him to care for it. But as it became clear that we are in a drought, I took pity and watered it when I remembered to. He forgot to thin out the corn. And he forgot to harvest it, or rather, kept waiting for the ears to get bigger. (They never did.)

Meanwhile the vines for the gourds and the white pumpkins crept through the chain link fence and tried to climb the neighbors’ tree–multiple times. It grew out through the chain link fence toward the street. It grew every which way in our backyard, increasing the size of our garden by three-fold. It was like something out of The Great Green Turkey Creek Monster.

We started harvesting the fruits of our labor last month. We got most of them to shelter before a freak hailstorm hit. Only a few were damaged. What do you do with a butt-ton of gourds? A few years ago when we grew them (similar seeding process), we tried to sell them. (I think my mother-in-law may have been the only customer, bless her heart.) This year I gave a couple to my mom. The rest, well, we will use them to decorate.

More gourds


And re-seed for next year.

Now, to get rid of those corn stalks. Ooo! Maybe I could get my husband to bundle them up for decoration as well!

Yes, we have a very bountiful garden. What do we grow? Oh, exterior harvest decorations, of course!

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THE QUARANTINE

Posted on October 4, 2012 by funnygurl2

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!


I live in a small town in Southeastern Michigan called Adrian. While it is small by New York, Chicago, Detroit standards, approximately 44,600 people live here and it is the county seat. So then, you would think, when they make major road construction plans that they would make sure there is still a way in and out of the city that isn’t blocked.

A map of Adrian showing the construction projects of 2012, as compiled by me.


Think again. Great government minds at work.

You also have to realize that there are small towns around Adrian that have no Walmart, Meijer, Lowes, or Spotted Cows. Hence, people come from far and wide (Blissfield, Riga, Deerfield, Palmyra) to go to Adrian (when they don’t feel like driving to Toledo or Ann Arbor).

Now, to get to Adrian from the East, you have to cross the River Raisin. The River Raisin is no ordinary river. Ripley’s Believe It or Not deemed it the most crooked river in the world. (Or so they tell students in the local high school science classes.) There are a limited number of bridges to cross the River Raisin from the East. (This is really inconvenient when the river floods and closes several of them.) The main crossing between Blissfield and Adrian and the most convenient is in Palmyra. Which is now a one lane bridge due to construction. It has been since, like, April. No end in the forseeable future. My brother-in-law even contacted the Michigan Department of Transportation via Facebook to ask if they would be finished soon. They only answered that they were on schedule. And that means our grandchildren will have a new bridge?

A map of Lenawee County showing all the 2012 construction projects, that I gathered myself.


Many locals take a road north of the Palmyra bridge construction to get into Adrian. Or they did. Until they started resurfacing that road, going so far as to close it completely some days.

This leaves only a southern detour to get to Blissfield, even involving a stretch of gravel road.

My asbestos friend, in utter frustration trying to reach the grocery store recently, texted me that Adrian must be quarantined, because it was almost impossible to get to it.

I laughed very hard and realized she was totally right. My husband doesn’t get it.

This summer’s construction has been really miserable and it isn’t anywhere near over as they begin new projects every day. IN OCTOBER!!!!!

We have 2 seasons in Michigan–Winter and Construction. Winter is here. It is time for Construction to END!

Damn right!

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Scoopin’ Poop

Posted on October 2, 2012 by funnygurl2

Picking up dog poop is very degrading. I think that when I see my neighbor scooping his dog’s poop. I feel degraded when I scoop up the poop in my yard, twice as much as what my neighbor has (Dave poop & Parker poop). What is that saying dog’s have? “Who is the real Master? You pick up MY poop.”

Photo: web.uri.edu

Photo: web.uri.edu

To add to this humiliation at being janitor to my canines, the other day my toddler sat in his Cozy Coupe and supervised me while I scooped. He made me feel like I was completing community service and he was my prison warden. I should have given him my cap gun so that he could take me down if I decided to make a run for it.

The warden & his chase vehicle

In a few weeks I am dog sitting a wonderful dog, except for one thing–HE POOPS! Just like my two existing dogs! So my backyard poo will go up…um, 33% maybe? I don’t know the math, but you get the idea. Hopefully my husband will have mowed the lawn by then, so long grass will no longer be my problem. By late-October, leaves will be my problem, falling and burying all the poo.

Photo: farm3.static.flickr.com

Photo: farm3.static.flickr.com

After the leaves, comes the snow.

Before I got a dog, I was like “I can’t wait to have a dog. It will be so worth having to pick up her poo.” And it was. With one dog.

Dave: Please some treats…so that I may make you more poop?

Then my husband got a dog. I thought we would take turns scooping the poop. No such luck. I tried to make a deal, figuring that dog pick-up duty and balancing the checkbook were the two most despised jobs in our home. But no such luck. My husband won’t perform either of those tasks.

Parker, thinking about asking to go out to poo

The fear of the dogs tracking poo into the house and my need (and my son’s) to freely walk in our backyard keep me diligent about keeping it picked up. Well…once a week anyway…

Photo: leashyourfitness.com W-O-W. . .How do I teach my dog to do that?

Photo: leashyourfitness.com
W-O-W. . .How do I teach my dog to do that?

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What I Learned This Week – 9/30/12

Posted on September 30, 2012 by funnygurl2

This week I learned that people REALLY HATE BOXELDER BUGS!

Yesterday (Saturday 9/29/12, a beautiful Saturday I might add) 203 people visited my blog.

I KNOW!

They could have instead been outside enjoying the beautiful weather. But, I think that might have been the key to them stumbling upon my blog.

You see, of those 203 views yesterday, 186 of them were of one post: Boxelder Bugs Must Die! (click here to see the original post)

A Boxelder Bug-ugly little sucker!


From what I can tell, many of these people came on over from Pinterest. Now, I don’t myself Pinterest, but I do suspect that someone must have Pinned my post about Boxelder Bugs gratuitously mating all over my porch and how much I enjoy murdering them with Dawn Dish Soap (yup, the same stuff that saves baby seals during oil spills).

So, I just wanted to say, THANK YOU!, to everyone who stopped by yesterday (my day of highest views ever!) and I hope a few of you stick around. Now, of course, I would rather people stop by to ogle Matthew Perry or mourn The O.C. But I am not choosy around here. I will take what I can get.

And knowing that I am helping the world in the tiniest way of riding the planet of Boxelder Bugs just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside:)

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