Tag Archives: funny

THE QUARANTINE

Posted on October 4, 2012 by funnygurl2

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!


I live in a small town in Southeastern Michigan called Adrian. While it is small by New York, Chicago, Detroit standards, approximately 44,600 people live here and it is the county seat. So then, you would think, when they make major road construction plans that they would make sure there is still a way in and out of the city that isn’t blocked.

A map of Adrian showing the construction projects of 2012, as compiled by me.


Think again. Great government minds at work.

You also have to realize that there are small towns around Adrian that have no Walmart, Meijer, Lowes, or Spotted Cows. Hence, people come from far and wide (Blissfield, Riga, Deerfield, Palmyra) to go to Adrian (when they don’t feel like driving to Toledo or Ann Arbor).

Now, to get to Adrian from the East, you have to cross the River Raisin. The River Raisin is no ordinary river. Ripley’s Believe It or Not deemed it the most crooked river in the world. (Or so they tell students in the local high school science classes.) There are a limited number of bridges to cross the River Raisin from the East. (This is really inconvenient when the river floods and closes several of them.) The main crossing between Blissfield and Adrian and the most convenient is in Palmyra. Which is now a one lane bridge due to construction. It has been since, like, April. No end in the forseeable future. My brother-in-law even contacted the Michigan Department of Transportation via Facebook to ask if they would be finished soon. They only answered that they were on schedule. And that means our grandchildren will have a new bridge?

A map of Lenawee County showing all the 2012 construction projects, that I gathered myself.


Many locals take a road north of the Palmyra bridge construction to get into Adrian. Or they did. Until they started resurfacing that road, going so far as to close it completely some days.

This leaves only a southern detour to get to Blissfield, even involving a stretch of gravel road.

My asbestos friend, in utter frustration trying to reach the grocery store recently, texted me that Adrian must be quarantined, because it was almost impossible to get to it.

I laughed very hard and realized she was totally right. My husband doesn’t get it.

This summer’s construction has been really miserable and it isn’t anywhere near over as they begin new projects every day. IN OCTOBER!!!!!

We have 2 seasons in Michigan–Winter and Construction. Winter is here. It is time for Construction to END!

Damn right!

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Scoopin’ Poop

Posted on October 2, 2012 by funnygurl2

Picking up dog poop is very degrading. I think that when I see my neighbor scooping his dog’s poop. I feel degraded when I scoop up the poop in my yard, twice as much as what my neighbor has (Dave poop & Parker poop). What is that saying dog’s have? “Who is the real Master? You pick up MY poop.”

Photo: web.uri.edu

Photo: web.uri.edu

To add to this humiliation at being janitor to my canines, the other day my toddler sat in his Cozy Coupe and supervised me while I scooped. He made me feel like I was completing community service and he was my prison warden. I should have given him my cap gun so that he could take me down if I decided to make a run for it.

The warden & his chase vehicle

In a few weeks I am dog sitting a wonderful dog, except for one thing–HE POOPS! Just like my two existing dogs! So my backyard poo will go up…um, 33% maybe? I don’t know the math, but you get the idea. Hopefully my husband will have mowed the lawn by then, so long grass will no longer be my problem. By late-October, leaves will be my problem, falling and burying all the poo.

Photo: farm3.static.flickr.com

Photo: farm3.static.flickr.com

After the leaves, comes the snow.

Before I got a dog, I was like “I can’t wait to have a dog. It will be so worth having to pick up her poo.” And it was. With one dog.

Dave: Please some treats…so that I may make you more poop?

Then my husband got a dog. I thought we would take turns scooping the poop. No such luck. I tried to make a deal, figuring that dog pick-up duty and balancing the checkbook were the two most despised jobs in our home. But no such luck. My husband won’t perform either of those tasks.

Parker, thinking about asking to go out to poo

The fear of the dogs tracking poo into the house and my need (and my son’s) to freely walk in our backyard keep me diligent about keeping it picked up. Well…once a week anyway…

Photo: leashyourfitness.com W-O-W. . .How do I teach my dog to do that?

Photo: leashyourfitness.com
W-O-W. . .How do I teach my dog to do that?

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What I Learned This Week – 9/30/12

Posted on September 30, 2012 by funnygurl2

This week I learned that people REALLY HATE BOXELDER BUGS!

Yesterday (Saturday 9/29/12, a beautiful Saturday I might add) 203 people visited my blog.

I KNOW!

They could have instead been outside enjoying the beautiful weather. But, I think that might have been the key to them stumbling upon my blog.

You see, of those 203 views yesterday, 186 of them were of one post: Boxelder Bugs Must Die! (click here to see the original post)

A Boxelder Bug-ugly little sucker!


From what I can tell, many of these people came on over from Pinterest. Now, I don’t myself Pinterest, but I do suspect that someone must have Pinned my post about Boxelder Bugs gratuitously mating all over my porch and how much I enjoy murdering them with Dawn Dish Soap (yup, the same stuff that saves baby seals during oil spills).

So, I just wanted to say, THANK YOU!, to everyone who stopped by yesterday (my day of highest views ever!) and I hope a few of you stick around. Now, of course, I would rather people stop by to ogle Matthew Perry or mourn The O.C. But I am not choosy around here. I will take what I can get.

And knowing that I am helping the world in the tiniest way of riding the planet of Boxelder Bugs just makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside:)

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Give The Perfect Gift

Posted on September 28, 2012 by funnygurl2

[Stuffed Animals: #3 in a Series of ?]

For past posts on stuffed animals, or stuffies (as I call them), please visit:

Barfey https://imnotstalkingyou.com/2012/09/13/barfey/

Sleeps With Stuffed Animals https://imnotstalkingyou.com/2012/09/20/1244/

I came up with a great idea the other day as I was cleaning the top of my dresser in the bedroom. As with all my ideas, I am sure someone else has already conceived it and slickly marketed it. But, I will share it with you here anyway.

When you are sick or feeling down, people give you flowers. Flowers either come in a vase you have to try not to spill, or you have to find a vase to put them in. You have to keep them watered. And then they just die anyway. If you are trying to get over someone’s death, doesn’t having to throw away dead flowers just make you think about death and throwing life away and feeling even more depressed? Wouldn’t it be better to have something to hug?

Flowers…such high maintenance


Not to mention people with allergies–keep those flowers away!

People also send fruit bouquets or muffin baskets or popcorn baskets, etc. But people are always watching their calories. And watching their cholesterol. And avoiding gluten. And being scared of nuts. Not to mention steering clear of coconut. Because everyone knows it is so gross. The message: people are particular about what they eat. Food is never a good gift.

Fruit, anyone? Better eat that up fast, because fruit goes bad.


Muffins…carbs, gluten…


Popcorn…fat, sodium, those little things that get stuck in your teeth…


Balloon bouquet? Obviously you don’t know about the rising occurrences of latex allergies in this country.

Balloons…airway constricting,vision getting dim…


So what is a person who wants to send someone a thoughtful, yet impersonal gift to do?

Sample bouquet mock-up from my own collection. Hmmm…how does the name “Pleasantly Plush” sound for my business?

    Send them the STUFFED ANIMAL BOUQUET!*

    That’s right! The stuffed animal bouquet.

    Choose from many different sizes.

    Purchase a big basket full of small animals, or a basket featuring a large animal surrounded by smaller ones.

    Pick a theme, such as Teddy Bears, Dogs, Cats, Favorite Sports Team–or order our variety baskets.

    Choose from Farm, Forest, Jungle, Ocean, Swamp, Safari, or Zoo!

    We can cater to any occasion: birthday, anniversary, wedding, Quinceaños, Bar Mitzvah, federally recognized holidays.

    We can even create a tasteful yet comforting arrangement for funerals. When someone you care about has lost their someone to hug, be sure you provide them with a fuzzy substitute full of childlike wonder to fill in the empty void.

    For a limited time**, you can get a free card when you order any bouquet, handling and delivery fees extra.

Wouldn’t that be so fun to work with stuffed animals all day? And they might go to little sick kids in the hospital and put a big smile on their faces.

But I would have to use quality animals, not just the junk that gets dumped in a claw machine or hangs in the booths at the carnival. That would make my bouquets expensive. I would worry that someone would complain that they didn’t like it. But really, that would be between the gifter and the giftee.

* This company does not actually exist. Although I know it sounds awesome, please do not try to order.
** As long as the make-believe company exists.

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I LOVE THIS PICTURE!

Posted on September 25, 2012 by funnygurl2

I flippin’ love this picture!

I totally love this picture of my son. But alas, I seem to be the only one who sees the ultimate beauty and meaning in it. It was taken of my son playing in a gazebo when we visited the Huckleberry Railroad and Crossroads Village earlier this year (for more info on that adventure, click here.)

I took the picture with my old 5 megapixel camera. But I totally love that camera. The sun was shining, so I couldn’t even really tell what I was getting as it was hard to see my LCD screen.

The picture turned out so stinking well!!! The steps draw you in. They are wonderfully aged and crisp white at the same time. The railing and even the beams of the ceiling draw you in to the picture as they head for their unseen point of convergence. (And looking at it I don’t even think about how many bee’s nests are up in the rafters, although I did think that when I was there in person.) The plant life is so green and well balanced. I love the hint of yellow in the upper right corner. Except for the clothing, this picture could have been taken a hundred years ago, or yesterday. (Timeless.) I especially like that you can’t see any hint of his diaper between the bottom of his shirt and the top of his shorts.

I had an 8″ X 10″ made of this photo. (As a print, all the colors and objects totally pop.) I put it in a matted frame. I feel like the picture should come with a great quote about climbing into your future or stepping into your life. (I Googled. I couldn’t find one:( The image just represents so much for me. I see it as my son aging with each step he climbs. And I am so thankful for that, especially after having the same major surgery twice in 2011. He is stepping up into a world of endless possibilities.

It also looks like it could be used for a motivational poster in a corporate office. It would have to have a motto like “No progress is made until we take the first step”, or something boring like that.

I know years from now, he will be all grown up and I will look at that picture and wonder what happened to that little boy. My little boy.

I also think the picture looks like one that might come in a picture frame when you buy it (except then it would probably be black and white–Oooooo. How good would that picture look in black and white?!!) I strive in life for things like that–to meet the standard of consumerism. I sometimes make dinner and try to get it to look like a restaurant meal when it hits the plate or table. I even do it with simple things. I love getting a dill pickle spear with my sandwich at a restaurant, but normally don’t think to add it to my plate with my chips unless I am thinking with the “restaurant” state-of-mind.

It turns out black and white didn’t rock, but blue-tint is awesome!


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