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My Fears-Part 2

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(In case you missed it, here is the link to My Fears-Part 1

When I moved into my current house, I discovered my extreme fear of bats. My house is over 100 years old. As the bat removal guy said, my house looks very nice from the curb. But when you look closely, there were all sorts of nooks and crannies for those filthy vermin to live in. We had multiple bat appearances. The final straw was when two bats were in my house during the first week my husband moved to third shift, hence not home to rid the house of them for me. So, we called the bat removal guy. It cost a fortune, but the barriers have held, except for one time we had an unwelcome visitor. The bat guy came back and patched up the spot that birds had pecked open. I find my piece of mind totally worth the money we spent. But I was too cheap to have the bat shit cleaned out of my walls. Extra insulation, right?

My other big fear is one probably very common to people across the country at this moment. I have a fear of not being financially secure. My family was in a better place than most when my husband and I started losing our jobs last year. (Of course, we are in a state that has been in a recession longer than the rest of the country. Which sucks.) Our credit cards and cars were paid off and we had some savings. But my son’s medical bills have eaten away at our savings. We should still be OK for the near future, but one major medical procedure and it could all be gone. And I find myself unable to get a job at the moment, because I need to be able to have open availability to take my son to specialist appointments and spend the night with him in the hospital if necessary. We don’t really need any financial/government assistance (other than unemployment) yet, but I believe it could be coming soon.

So, I try not to live my life in fear anymore. A few years ago, two friends of mine tried to open me up to the law of attraction, or the power of positive thinking. I was very resistant. But I gradually found it was easier to get out of bed and leave the house every day if I expected good things instead of bad. I tried to read the book “The Secret”, but it was very repetitious. I did better with “The Secret” desk calendar, which broke the book into small paragraph tidbits of information.

It is in this mindset that I decided to get pregnant with my son. If I had expected the worst, I could not have brought him into this world. This mindset is what helps me deal with his kidney issue that we are still waiting to hear if it has been completely resolved.

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My Fears-Part 1

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I lived the first thirty years of my life in fear. In fear of many, many things. Things that were justified and things that weren’t. I worried that if I went to school, the other kids would pick on me. Which, if it was middle school, they totally did. I worried if I didn’t finish a school project, I would die. That never happened. Of course, I don’t think I ever tested that by leaving one unfinished either.

As long as I can remember, I have had a fear of touching my eye. As much as I hate the glasses I have to wear every day, I know that I would not ever be able to wear contact lenses and put them into my eyes. I have trouble keeping my eyes open at the eye doctor to have the glaucoma air-puff test or for the eye drops to dilate my eyes. So much so that the last few eye doctors did not even want to do those tests on me. (VISION INSURANCE COMPANIES: Take note.)

When I was in elementary school, I could see the front door from my bed. I would lie in bed at night and just watch the door, expecting the door knob to jingle and open at any second. I kept expecting robbers to come in and get me. I had the same fear and bed/door set-up in my first apartment. I am glad to say that the more doors there are between me and the front door, the less that fear becomes.

While in my first (and only) apartment, I realized I have a fear of exhaust fans, like the kind that are usually square and found on bathroom ceilings. The exhaust fan in my apartment would try to fall out of the ceiling on occasion. I guess it had wires, so it probably would never have fallen out all the way. But I was afraid it would fall on me and chop my head off or something. So I would tape up all four corners with masking tape. I figured it would be easily removable when I moved out. But masking tape doesn’t hold very well, especially in a damp, steamy environment. I lived there for five years. That’s a lot of tape and worry. On vacations, I somehow always end up in the hotel room with the bathroom exhaust fan hanging askew from the ceiling. My fear returns. I am lucky in my current home that the exhaust fan is on the wall, rather than the ceiling. Unconventional, but it works for me. Especially since it is now fixed and all the steam now goes outside instead of into the basement as it did when we first moved in.

I will save my other biggest fears for the next post. I will also tell you how I have tried to stop these rational and irrational fears from ruining my life.

Here is My Fears-Part 2

I’m not stalking you. is NOW ON FACEBOOK! “Like” that I’m not stalking you and get an update when there is a new post to read. (It is sort of like YOU are stalking ME.)

OMG, who is going to read this? What are they going to think of me? Is my blog just totally lame…

Anxiety: 1. the state of being anxious. 2. concern about an imminent danger, difficulty, etc.
Anxious: 1. uneasy in the mind.

I have anxiety. It often changes how I go about living my life, but I do the best I can to not be beat down by it. For people who don’t have it (or don’t have it in large quantities), it is probably hard for them to imagine what it is like.

My most recent example is that I wanted to buy two $5 gift cards from McDonald’s. I was afraid they would yell at me for not buying food too. Then I was afraid they would yell at me for only putting $5 on the gift cards. I ended up deciding to buy only one gift card, and I bought it at Meijer while I was already there so I wouldn’t have to face the anxiety of McDonald’s at all. (Of course, in all this I forgot that the people at McDonald’s aren’t paid enough to care about anything. That is a dig at McD’s, not at the employees.)

I have dealt with anxiety all my life. When I was younger, if I felt overwhelmed by anxiety, I cried. Which is why I got picked on in school (creating more anxiety, creating more crying, etc.). The prescription drug company commercials used to make me think I had depression (which I have had twice in my life), but that is not what I have every day. My friend had pretty serious anxiety too–maybe even more than me. But she went on prescription drugs and now that is no longer one of her biggest health issues. I don’t want to be a slave to doctors & pharmaceutical companies. I don’t want to deal with side effects. I don’t want to have to take a pill everyday for something that may only hit me a few times a week. Now, if there was “FAST-ACTING ANXIETY NOSE SPRAY FOR URGENT RELIEF”, I would be all over that. The most common time anxiety hits me is when I am trying to fall asleep. I have anxiety attacks about how I don’t want to be dead one day & cease to exist. Ugh, it is making my chect tighten & my stomach churn just to write it. Nose spray would really come in handy at these times.

Here is an excerpt from an old journal I recently found which provides a nice example:

Last night at the casino the food court was more like a cafeteria and I was scared to tell the grill guy that I wanted a cheeseburger. Then I was too scared to go up and get a refill. I just feel like everyone is always going to yell at me.

And no one has ever yelled at me for such things. Here is a poem from around the same time:


I worry about things
I know about
I worry about things
I know nothing about
I worry about things
I have never done before
I worry about things
I do every day
I am beginning to feel
that I worry

My husband doesn’t understand when I ask him to do something for me because I just cannot do it myself. This usually manifests as asking for help for something in a store and having to talk to a sales associate. Or giving my son a bath. I know that when I start the bath, if he starts crying or bumps his head or something, I can’t freak out and leave him in the bathtub naked. I have to finish the bath, no matter what, all the way through to putting on his PJs. And I find this scary. And too often I let my husband give him a bath because 1. he likes to & 2. I don’t have to overcome my anxiety to do it. Anxiety is probably one of the things that kept my mom at home throughout her twenties.

Sorry. Just felt like venting. I have been cleaning my house & unearthed some old poems/emails/journals that got me on this line of thinking. I wanted this blog to be a mish-mash of my life. And this is a big part of my life, even though many close to me do not know it.

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