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It's  a spoon?  It's a fork?  No, it is AWESOME!

It’s a spoon? It’s a fork? No, it is AWESOME!

I love sporks!

I have ever since I went to a Tupperware party with my mom when I was like five years old and I got a long yellow spork as the “thanks-for-coming” freebie gift. I used it for years, especially to consume hard-to-eat dishes like Spaghetti O’s. It got discolored orange from all the tomato sauce.

Then, alas, one day it snapped in two. It was a very sad day:(

And so, except for the occassional Kentucky Fried Chicken dinner, I went sporkless for years. It was a hole that remained in my heart for a long time.

Then, around the time I got my own apartment, my mom found me some sporks!

They were yellow Pikachu sporks. They were meant to be a party supply for a children’s birthday party. I think the package came with eight. I hoarded them, only using two at a time. And they seemed to last forever.

Then, the toddler came along.

Ten year old disposable forks that have gone through the dishwasher, been put in the fridge, and multiple uses, just do not hold up to the destructive throw-down of a two-year old.

With only three remaining Pikachu’s left, I went on a mission for more sporks. I found the blue ones you see above in the camping area at Walmart (Usually I take this opportunity to boast about Meijer, but they let me down on my mission for sporks).

As I began to imagine the future of these brand new blue plastic sporks ending in breakage as well, I dreamed of a metal spork.

With a simple Google search, look what I turned up:

BEHOLD! The Titanium Spork! In trendy colors!

Snow Peak Colored Titanium Spork Photo:

Snow Peak Colored Titanium Spork

So awesome! I must own one of these! And I love the reviews that say it also makes a great gift. Watch out, friends and family. Next Christmas will be SPORKTACULAR!

I also loved the reviews because, I realized for the first time, I AM NOT ALONE! There are other spork lovers out there!

From an Amazon review by EJ on the same page linked above:

“It’s a TITANIUM SPORK. If you can’t appreciate the glory of that, then I can’t think of anyting that I can say that would help.”

Oh, but upon further searching, check this spork out! It is called the “Apocalypspork”! It claims to be “flat wear that will last you through the apocalypse” and good to “ram through a zombie skull”.

Head over there to purchase
(Note: I have never purchased from this website.)

Sh*t My Mom Says

Posted on

My mom is rude to me. Like, all the time. And I can’t call her on it or tell her to stop because then she will be like “I can’t say anything to you. You always take it the wrong way.” and start crying. I am the only frickin’ family she has and her primary mode of transportation. You would think she could be just a little nicer to me.

My mother is the most negative person I have ever met. She also has a very powerful law of attraction. In 2006, she was diagnosed with stage four kidney cancer and told she had two months to live. She had the kidney removed, had virtually no treatment, and is still here cancer free today. I believe she only survived because she wanted to be alive longer so she could continue to find things to be miserable about.

When my husband asks me what she says to get me so mad and fired up, I usually can’t remember. But with texting, it is much easier to have examples handy. (I taught my mom to text so that I could talk to her on the phone for shorter periods of time and less frequently.)

Whoops…I think my blog might have just turned into therapy.

Examples from Texts

MOM: Warn me if you are going to find religion.

MOM: Since you haven’t bothered to call me back I have to assume you don’t give a shit that I fell on the hard floor in a public place humiliating & hurting myself. 8:09PM
ME: I couldn’t get your voicemail until 8pm & you told me you were fine. 8:10PM
MOM: I believe I said I survived not that I was fine. It scared the crap out of me. I shook much for 5 min after & lightly thereafter. I hurt & did laundry. 8:17PM

MOM: Do you want to watch Columbo? 3:00PM
ME: No. 3:21PM
MOM: I take offense that everything I like you automatically reject. Everything 3:41PM
ME: I like Scott Hamilton. 3:42PM

MOM: Maybe before the end of Feb we could go in am to Martins & then have lunch. We might even do Bobs. Dutch of course. What think? 5:24PM
ME: It will probably have to be after J gets his truck fixed. Not sure when that will be. 5:26PM
MOM: Didn’t know it was sick. What minimum $400 part does it need? 5:30PM
ME: Not sure. 7:30PM
MOM: So J goes to work with the only working vehicle & you are home all day with the baby & can’t go anywhere. Welcome to the life of a 50’s housewife. Ha. 8:58PM
ME: I have nowhere to go anyway. 9:16PM
MOM: Depressing isn’t it? 9:19PM
ME: No it’s nice 7:07AM
MOM: Don’t start giving Tupperware parties 9:34PM
ME: I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. 7:07AM

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