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My Real Resume

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ROLES & RESPONSIBILITIES

Wife
-Population Control
-Domestic Administrator
-Chef
-Personal Shopper
-Budget Overlord
-Time Management
-Scheduler
-Zookeeper
-Records Archive Director
-Historian
-Psychic
-Hair Stylist
-Concubine
-Closet Organizer

Mom
-Part-time Nanny
-Teacher
-Nurturer
-Photographer
-Diaper Quality Inspector

Daughter
-Chauffeur
-Technology Expert
-Furniture Mover
-Entertainment Committee
-Slave

Homeowner
-Wildlife Relocation Specialist

Asbestos Friend
-Thrower of Baby BBQs
-Accomplished email time suck

SPECIALTIES

Specializing in entertainment trivia, offbeat humor, & good hygiene.

Skills
-10 key calculator
-Disaster preparedness
-First Aid administrator
-Amateur weather prediction
-American Red Cross Dog First Aid certified
-Blogger Extraordinaire

Education
-Was on high school honor roll 22 of 24 marking periods.
-Accomplished this while watching 58 hrs of television a week.
-Graduated .03 GPA from a summa cum laude in college.
-Learned not to be different in any way thanks to Middle School.
-Only missed one word all year in 4th grade spelling (stupid “Caynon”. I MEAN CANYON!!!).
-Co-Editor of high school newspaper.

Desired Salary
$2,000,000 the first year, and $1,000,000 each year thereafter, plus a $1,000,000 signing bonus.
Fame to go with my fortune would be considered a bonus.

Headless Babies

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I went to my asbestos friend’s (it’s a long story) baby shower on Saturday. Now, bear in mind, this is the shower at the church, given to her by the people who go there. I was in charge of the heathen gathering a couple weeks ago. We had a Baby-Q, where we bar-b-qued actual babies. Very few people came. Not sure why.

She lives in a different town than I. I ran some errands first, but then I had time to kill. I drove past her house, but she hadn’t left for the church yet. I wasn’t stalking her. I drove around a little and went by her house again. She was still there. I wasn’t stalking her. OK, maybe I was. But it killed time until I saw her vehicle at the church a few minutes later.

It was a nice, if boringly standard, baby shower i.e. no babies on spits. Although the party favors were babies with removable heads. At one point her daughter got cold & borrowed my infant son’s blanket. I kept thinking it was good I had brought that particular one, because it had a Precious Moments character on it. The perfect blanket to take to a church. That way no one would see through my act & run me out the door. My mom raised me to believe I would burst into flames if I ever walked into a church.

I had run errands all morning & asked my husband to come pick up our son at the shower when he got out of school. I didn’t want my son interrupting the shower, and I also knew he was exhausted & needed to rest at home. Afterall, we had marathon shopped at Meijer* the night before. My husband came & got him. About an hour later, I head home. I got home before them. My husband had stopped in to Walmart** on the way home–OY!

*Shameless plug: Please shop at Meijer. They are a Michigan-based company and are much better at keeping the shelves stocked than they used to be. Michgan needs your $$$.
**Do not shop at Walmart. They probably don’t really have what you are looking for anyway and they are not Michigan-based.

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