My Real Resume

Posted on May 23, 2011 by funnygurl2

ROLES & RESPONSIBILITIES

Wife
-Population Control
-Domestic Administrator
-Chef
-Personal Shopper
-Budget Overlord
-Time Management
-Scheduler
-Zookeeper
-Records Archive Director
-Historian
-Psychic
-Hair Stylist
-Concubine
-Closet Organizer

Mom
-Part-time Nanny
-Teacher
-Nurturer
-Photographer
-Diaper Quality Inspector

Daughter
-Chauffeur
-Technology Expert
-Furniture Mover
-Entertainment Committee
-Slave

Homeowner
-Wildlife Relocation Specialist

Asbestos Friend
-Thrower of Baby BBQs
-Accomplished email time suck

SPECIALTIES

Specializing in entertainment trivia, offbeat humor, & good hygiene.

Skills
-10 key calculator
-Disaster preparedness
-First Aid administrator
-Amateur weather prediction
-American Red Cross Dog First Aid certified
-Blogger Extraordinaire

Education
-Was on high school honor roll 22 of 24 marking periods.
-Accomplished this while watching 58 hrs of television a week.
-Graduated .03 GPA from a summa cum laude in college.
-Learned not to be different in any way thanks to Middle School.
-Only missed one word all year in 4th grade spelling (stupid “Caynon”. I MEAN CANYON!!!).
-Co-Editor of high school newspaper.

Desired Salary
$2,000,000 the first year, and $1,000,000 each year thereafter, plus a $1,000,000 signing bonus.
Fame to go with my fortune would be considered a bonus.

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Walking Around Like Ghosts

Posted on May 10, 2011 by funnygurl2

The company I work for is in bankruptcy. From my point of view, things do not look good. More employees are leaving every week. Those of us still in the building walk about like ghosts & swap names of companies to send applications to. Both current & former employees reach out to each other on Linkedin. It feels to me as if we are reaching out to each other in a blackened cold sea, and each of us is a life preserver for the other. In the end, a large number of connections probably won’t bring all of us new employment. But it feels like a good first step to facing the reality that we will all need new employment soon.

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Mother’s Day is a Fake Holiday.

Posted on May 3, 2011 by funnygurl2

Mother’s Day is a fake holiday. So is Father’s Day. And Valentine’s Day. And Sweetest’s Day. And Adminitrative Professional’s Day.

Now, Memorial Day, that is a real holiday. Everyone comes together at parades or cemeteries or barbeques. We spend a day enjoying the freedoms (and a day off work) that centuries of soldiers’ have fought & possibly lost their lives for. My dad drove an ambulance in Germany in World War II. He was there when they liberated one of the concentration camps. He died before I was born. But many years after the war, of a heart attack. When I was young, my mom & I would often go to the cemetery. We would put down flowers made of fabric & plastic at his grave, or check on the ones we had put previously. I think that is why Memorial Day is my favorite holiday. There are not many holidays where part of a proper celebration (Note the word PROPER–>for you slackers who sleep in & don’t give a few seconds of thanks to our veterans!) includes going to the cemetery. So, it was sort of the one holiday of the year where my whole family was together. Plus, there are no underlying religious connotations like Christmas & Easter have (unless you count “God Bless the USA”), since I do not actually believe in God. Everyone who lives in the United States of America can participate in the day’s true meaning.

As part of my new traditions, I try to work in a pancake breakfast to support local firefighters & purchase chicken BBQ for lunch from the local American Legion. But at the heart I know what the holiday is really for. Looking at Old Glory seems a little more meaningful on Memorial Day.

Here is the moral of the story: You are in contact with your mother, father, valentine, sweetheart, and secretary almost every day. You should be appreciating them (and telling them and showing them) daily. It is easy for us to go from day to day in our lives & forget about all the sacrifices made by people we have never even met & never will (including, sometimes, one’s own father). That is why we NEED Memorial Day, to stop & give thanks. And maybe buy paper plates & napkins for the BBQ with stars & stripes on them. As long as they aren’t made in China.

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A Royal Wedding Teaches Us About Time Zones

Posted on April 26, 2011 by funnygurl2

All the media can talk about this week is the upcoming royal wedding. I am not obsessed with it, but I will get up early & watch, just to see the pomp & circumstance of a royal wedding. (or would that be a royal graduation?) I just wish my son was older so that he could be as impressed by William & Kate’s wedding as I was by Charles & Diana’s.

I was 5 when Charles & Diana got married. My mom woke me up in the middle of the night-it seemed like it at 5 years of age-to watch TV, which I did a fair amount of anyway. There were so many things I learned that morning.

I knew that Kings & Queens & Princes & Princesses were in my story books. But I also knew that in the United States of America we did not have a King because they were Old School & mean. I knew that in the USA we had a President as the Head of State. But here on my televison were actual Queens & Princes & a soon to be Princess. They did still exist. It was enough to blow a preschoolers mind.

That was the first time I had any concept of Time Zones. Here it was dark outside my house, yet it was light at the LIVE event happening on TV. On the other side of the world. Like, the sun rotates & when it is dark at my house, it is light in England & the kids are at school & the parents are at work. Trippy.

At that age I knew I lived in a tiny town called Riga in a state called Michigan. I knew that Michigan was one of the fifty states in the United States. But I don’t think I really knew that the world was bigger than the United States & had other countries & continents until that morning. Ya, she had a mega long dress. But I took other things away that day too. I hope some kids watching on Friday realize that the world is bigger than their own neighborhood, as I did.

Years later, I would find out that England, as in “the sun never sets on the British Empire”, is just a small little island.

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Will you be my Facebook friend?

Posted on April 15, 2011 by funnygurl2

I gave in & signed up for Facebook. I didn’t want to, but I feel as though there is a slim possibility it could help me get a new job. Maybe through networking, or maybe updating a company’s Facebook could end up being part of my job. Plus, I think it makes me look like I can figure it out. Which, at this point, I haven’t quite done yet.

I resisted Facebook for a very long time, as you can tell by the year on the calendar reading 2011. Mostly because when I had a MySpace.com account (I know, no one has them anymore, I don’t even have mine, don’t give me that face), none of my friends would sign up & be my friend on it. I can hold a grudge for a very long time. Also, I believe that Facebook is a giant time suck. I don’t like my life being sucked away. And people always seem to get more into Facebook AFTER they have kids. How can that be? My kid needs constant feeding & diapering & attention & holding & does not like to sit in front of the computer (the pictures on the screen don’t move as often as on the TV).

So, last night, within a half hour of me creating an account, my inlaws & my inlaws’ inlaws had found me & requested to be my friend. And I accepted, because I got all excited that people liked me. I forgot that I wanted to learn how to use it before I started adding people and looking like a dork. I am also too new at Facebook to realize that someone wanting to “friend you” doesn’t really mean anything except they like to watch the count of their friends increase. They would probably friend the rear side of a donkey if it had a bow tied to it’s tail. (What?)

My friend said that she sent me something on Facebook today. I asked if I would be able to find it. She said I would see it when I logged in. I logged in. I told her,”All I see is a whole pile of crap from everyone else.” She responded: Well, yes. Thats pretty much a summary of facebook. “A whole pile of crap from everyone.” I figured out I needed to click on my name to see only my crap. Next up: figuring out how to upload pictures of my adorable child.

The good news is one of my best friends from high school, who was the maid of honor in my wedding, who I have not heard from in 5 years, friended me already. Maybe she will drop me a line sometime in the next 5 years. Here’s hoping.

PS–So far Linkedin is WAY more addictive than Facebook. What could be more fun than connecting with coworkers, former bosses, and updating your resume 12 times a day:)

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