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Have you seen the new McDonald’s interior and exterior design? You must have. (By the time things come to Lenawee County, they have already been through all the major cities and most medium and small ones.) I hate it.

I like the old exterior design, with the slanted roof and parallel lights. It sort of looked like an overgrown shack. You saw the building, and you instantly knew what restaurant it was and what kind of processed, sodium-infused goodness lay inside waiting for you. It seemed like they usually featured the colors red and yellow. Signature colors. Ketchup and mustard.

The new design sucks balls. (Is that a valid argument?) It is just like a beige box, with some yellow accents on it. My husband said, “You know what they are trying to do, don’t you? They are trying to make-it look like a sit-down restaurant.” And I believe he is absolutely correct. (More on my thoughts on the interior in a minute.) Except for one small detail:

There are now two drive-thrus.

But wait, you might be picturing the Rally’s double drive-thru in your head. Where there is an ordering speaker, menu board, and payment/pick-up window on both sides of the building. OH NO. McDonald’s had to half-ass it. There are two ordering speakers and two menu boards side by side. THAT MERGE INTO ONE LANE for the payment/pick-up windows!

Problem #1: In at least one location that I know of, the outer menu board blocks your view of the inner lane. You can’t tell there is a car in the inner lane until you move forward and hit it.

Problem #2: In at least one location that I know of, the outer menu board is set up so that you cannot see it from the speaker while ordering (a different location than Problem #1, but same city and franchise owner).

Problem #3: Where the two lanes merge it is like a construction zone traffic jam on the freeway. Except everyone is hungry. It has the potential to be road rage. Or hunger rage. Or drive-thru rage.

Enough about the drive-thru. Let’s move inside, shall we? The previous design was functional for families with litters of kids, old people drinking coffee while reading the paper, and for high schoolers to lazily half-ass clean. It was colorful and bright.

The new interior is heinous. It is what I picture Starbucks to look like, although I have never actually been in one (I don’t drink coffee, remember?). One version I have seen had fancy light fixtures hanging from the ceiling. Another had partitions between the seats with wheat inside the glass–>wheat! The new thing seems to be darker wood and dimmer lighting. And having some tables pub-style, meaning higher than a typical table. Not safe for short young children or unsteady old people with hot liquid.

If I concentrate on one location, I can give more specific details. We will use the South Main McDonald’s in Adrian, Michigan. This location was probably a little unique because not only did the building get the new design, the old building was torn down completely and it moved down the street, past Bob Evans and the vacant Long John Silver’s. The new South Main location sits right on the corner of US223 and M52. Prime real estate. I believe the franchise owner wanted to make this move for years. Too bad the building looks like it was build the wrong way around.

I believe the South Main McDonald’s was built backwards. Sitting at the corner, waiting for the unbearably long traffic light, you should be looking at the front of the restaurant and thinking, “How fast and filling the food would be. Immediate gratification.” You shouldn’t be sitting at the traffic light thinking, “That food would be fast and filling, but the drive-thru is way too busy.” Which is what anyone who has driven past it has said. Oh! And having the drive-thru speakers aimed at one of the busiest intersections in the county makes it hard to hear and hard to be heard.

The old South Main had oodles of seating. So much so, that they blocked off part of it and made a separate room for kids’ birthday parties. The new location has less seating, even though it is now in a more prominent location (and I believe is busier). Much of the possible seating space is gobbled up by the children’s Play Place. Isn’t buying your kid a Happy Meal and then sitting in the play area just throwing your money away? Either your kid will play and not eat or whine that you won’t let them play and not eat.

Since I am on the topic of McDonald’s and I hold grudges, I will take this opportunity to express my dissatisfaction that they no longer carry the flaky, crispy apple pies I used to love. I think they have been gone about 20 years now. Replace by those “baked” jokes for a pie they have now. (If you want a reasonable facsimile of the old pies, go to Taco Bell and order a caramel apple empanada. Yum.) I also greatly miss McDonaldland Cookies (shaped like McDonaldland characters) and Chocolatey-Chip Cookies (mini and crispy). And I miss that the Dundee, Michigan McDonald’s used to have an outdoor McDonaldland playground. Each piece of equipment was a McDonald’s character. I remember a Grimace shaped metal bouncy thing and Mayor McCheese monkey bars. There were more I can’t remember. I am sure that wasn’t the only one in the world. It has been replaced by an indoor playland:(

Dear McDonald’s,

You can make the inside of your restaurant look all hoity-toity if you want to, but you are still going to have a grandma in there begging her granddaughter to eat a French fry. It is the natural order of things. It is the American way.

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