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Touchscreens Are a Gift from the Devil

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This probably runs on a touchscreen. I feel sorry for the poor sucker who has to program it.

 

I knew touchscreens were the worst idea ever the first time I saw one at the catalog pick-up department inside a Sears store. I’m not sure when that was, early 90s, maybe? Most technological advances come to our part of the country last. It looked like something out of a 1980s sci-fi movie. The kiosk was the size of an arcade video game. It was cumbersome and unresponsive. From that moment on, I knew the touchscreen thing would never catch on.

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Could I have been more wrong?

While I love all the cute things my cell phone can do besides, you know, make calls, I HATE that the magic of video calls or listening to the radio depends on a touchscreen. I try to scroll through Facebook, and it is constantly opening up stories I don’t want to read. “I did not click on that!” I shout, to no avail. I am trying to tag spam emails for deletion in my email, but instead the phone keeps opening the questionable messages, “I said DELETE!”

I am a lover of buttons. I loved my previous 2 phones that had slider keyboards. I was using them much later than anyone else. I could actually type a coherent text message. I could use proper spelling, capitalization, and punctuation if I wanted to!

I had to turn off my word predictor do-hickey on my current phone. I would be trying to type a “t” or “y” or “u” and I would instead end up with the word suggestion right above it. (I have tiny hands. My mom always says she was waiting for my hands to get bigger before she tasked me with doing the dishes. She is still waiting.) If me, of the tiny hands, has problems using a touchscreen keyboard, how do men do it? I know how my husband does it: he uses the voice command, which also gives out questionable results.

We have these fancy LED (or LCD?) screens with HD resolution that we can watch Hollywood movies on while we wait in line at the grocery store, but we are constantly putting our greasy fingerprints all over them. We are watching state of the art technology through a haze of gunk. Then we touch it to our face, putting something that is probably coated in fecal dust next to our mouths. Disgusting.

Touchscreen are EVIL. You can’t spell Devil without the evil.

I think we are too far gone now to beg for a return of the keyboard. That won’t stop  me though. Eventually we will just be able to think a thought and our phone will beam it for us. Unfortunately, my thoughts are about as clumsy as my fingers are. :-/
From the broken mind of Jennifer Friess, the joining of hearts & souls…
NOW AVAILABLE! Troll Gurl and the Cursed Kingdom

Boxelder Bugs Must Die!

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Ugly little sucker.

I never really had Boxelder Bugs anywhere I had lived, until I moved into my house. I was told you only have them when there is a Boxelder tree nearby. As far as I know, we only have Walnut and Maple and Pine trees near us. Maybe a better name for them would be aluminum siding bugs, since that is where they love to hang out at my house.

I find Boxelder Bugs totally gross. But I was willing to only kill the ones that made it into the house. It is convenient that my dogs will eat them as “treats”. But then came the bad year. The Boxelder Bugs filled up my hard in big piles. I wanted to spray them with nice, poisonous bug spray. But my husband said that would kill the grass. I should never have listened to him. (Sorry Honey, but I think the grubs are doing in your grass faster than my bug spray would have.)

Mating. All over my porch.


So, I let them live that day. Then they started coating my house. They fornicated all over my porch. They laid their nasty little gold eggs all over my house siding and chain-link fence. I was overrun and distraught and disgusted by their very existence. I complained to everyone I knew. Finally, someone told me the secret. The wonderful murderous secret I use to my advantage to this day.

Dawn dish soap.

Yup. The same dish soap you buy at Meijer. The one that has pictures of cute little penguins on it and claims to help save wildlife. Dawn dish soap has been responsible for the murder of thousands of Boxelder Bugs at my house. I fill up the weed sprayer with a small amount of Dawn and lots of water. And I suffocate the hell out of those mother fuckers.

It took a lot of time and determination that year, but I did get the Boxelder Bugs under control. The mistake was letting them lay eggs, because Dawn doesn’t work on the eggs. The only way to kill the eggs is to smush them. They are small, so sometimes they just fall off too. Your best bet is to spray them when they are tiny little hatchlings with only fur for legs.

Threesome.


This year looks to be almost as bad, with our easy winter and early summer temperatures. But I saw them outside my window mating. So promiscuous. I grabbed my weed sprayer and went to town on them. Oh yes. My husband has an old ice shanty he leaves sitting by the driveway, against the house. And his toolbox for his truck. And they live there. I should move those obstacles, because I bet there are just red nests teaming with colonies of Boxelder Bugs under there. I have to be sure to spray not only the side of the house, but also the front and then the back, as the sun moves throughout the day. It will take a few weeks of daily spraying, but then they will be knocked down for summer.

I wish I had a hazmat suit to wear when I spray. After years of seeing their numbers decimated, they are starting to fight back. I can’t stand those THINGS landing on me. On my legs, arms, in my hair. One even landed on my glasses-ick! I come back into the house and can’t even enjoy a job well done because I feel as though they are crawling all over me. I am all buggy.

Some PETA person might think what I do is awful. It is the same policy I have against bats, birds, squirrels (don’t get me started)—all creatures. They can live wherever they want, but not in/on my house. No freeloaders. And nothing with wings or feathers or creepy crawlie attributes.

Did I mention the live ones eat the other dead Boxelder Bugs. They are CANNIBALS! You know why they have red markings, don’t you?

They were created by the devil.

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