Remember This? Wes Nile

The only known surviving photograph of the band Wes Nile, 2003

In January 2003, Wes Nile was the next big up and coming band. Everyone was talking about them. They made all the music industry magazines lists of “Up and Coming Bands to Watch” and “The Big Albums of 2003”.

Simon Cowell called them “Dreadful.”

Critics criticized Wes Nile for playing into the West Nile virus scare, which was at the height of its hysteria. Founder Wes Nile debunked critics by publicly showing his birth certificate, displaying his birth name as Westley P. Nile.  Of course, he had it tattooed onto his butt when he revealed it at the international press conference.

Other members of the band were Eas Nile and Dee Nile. Other members C. Nile and P. Nile rotated in and out of the band, depending on who was feuding with who.

In June, their debut album was supposed to be released, but got postponed until September. They were scheduled to appear on Saturday Night Live that week as the musical guest. Wes Nile assured NBC that they would do the show anyway, but failed to show up on Saturday night. To fill the air time, the SNL cast members sang “1000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall.”

Lorne Michaels was furious and promptly banned Wes Nile from any future appearances.  This helped to fuel their popularity.

Similar absenteeism happened when they were due to appear on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno and The Late Show with David Letterman.

In the meantime, their songs “Punk Rock Pollock” & “Hop Shamock-a-Lok” became chart-topping hits, despite being only the sounds of screaming and crows.

Sadly, it is unclear which charts those were, as a freak fire at the Billboard offices destroyed all records for only the year 2003.

Wes Nile was announced as the headliners of First Annual Michigan Mosquito Festival. It was supposed to be the first step to make a mends with their fans who were quickly becoming disillusioned by their reputation as no-shows. It would also serve as the first stop on their universal concert tour, due to culminate with the first concert on the moon, although there is no record of NASA ever condoning such an en devour.

Years later, Richard Branson claimed in his best-selling biography “Story of a Rich British Guy Who Likes the Color Red” that he was in secret talks with them to “make the magic happen.”

Festival organizers reported that Wes Nile did in fact show up to perform. Unfortunately, unforseen circumstances prevented them from taking the stage. The festival was cancelled because their fans had used too much bug spray and the fire Marshal ruled that, with the stage pyrotechnics, there was too much of a fire hazard.

No future Michigan Mosquito Festivals were ever held.

Their debut album was yet again postponed by the record label. This time, indefinitely. The name of the album, “Bite Me”, and the group photo of the band above had already been released. With the album in limbo, the universal tour was canceled.

Not much remains of the Wes Nile legacy. All their most hard-core fans had significant brain damage from the bug repellent at the Mosquito Festival, causing severe memory loss.

In 2005, Westley P. Nile ordered all this fans to send in their CD singles of the band’s only two hits. He no longer felt they were the bands best work, and didn’t want them out polluting the world. Fans resisted, so he offered to send each fan a $100 check upon receipt. The next day post offices had lines around the block of people sending back CDs.

Westley never made good on his promise to pay up.

He later hacked all the computers of fans who had digital files of his music. Westley was put on trial, but was found to be criminally insane, due to the fact that he believed himself to be a robot.  He claimed he had plugged a part of his anatomy into his computer to upload and download the files.  This was never proven or dis proven in court.

Eas Nile became a best-selling author, specializing in alien erotica. Unfortunately, her success allowed her to over-indulge in her love of cheese. She tried to build a house made out of cheese, but was almost killed by The Plague when mice over-ran the place.

Dee Nile married P. Nile, but they soon divorced when he could not remain faithful.  Dee became an author, writing about cheese-related tragedies. Her books were not successful, due to the premise being too unbelievable. Instead, she started a successful blog which featured a new pizza recipe daily. She tours college campuses regularly.

C. Nile became a glamorous and edgy pop star in Czechoslovakia under the stage name “Cadonna”. Due to strict embargo rules, her music is not available here and cannot be posted on YouTube.

P. Nile has since fathered ten children by ten different women. In order to pay his child support, he has become one of the leading pimps of Albuquerque.

Rumors swirl occasionally on Myspace of a reunion, but that seems doubtful while Westley is still in the asylum.

Wes Nile touched so many people, for such a brief period of time. Every now and then, I will see a faded, worn “Bite Me” bumper sticker on the back of a car, and a tear comes to my eye, for what might have been…

Feel free to share your own memories of Wes Nile in the comments below.