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Some More: Ill Communication

Posted on December 6, 2012 by funnygurl2

Ill Communication-Official

More texts from my mom that I take offense to, justified or otherwise.

If you love your mama deeply, then just stop reading here. Because you won’t understand my relationship with mine.

8/10/12
ME: We melted something in the dishwasher. Now the whole house smells like burnt plastic. 8:45PM
MOM: They are recalling GE dishwashers. They set fires. 8:47PM
MOM: Burnt plastic smell fumes are toxic. 8:52PM
ME: Duh. 8:53PM
MOM: Is that response an indication of its affect on your mental state? Ha!… 8:56PM

8/28/12
ME: Can you try to be ready at 10am tomorrow? 8:34PM
MOM: I can. Got something after? I can’t buy much. 8:36PM
ME: I want to go up to the national weather service open house in pontiac from 2-7PM 8:38PM
MOM: What is that about? Can’t imagine what could be interesting. Maybe you want to replace Kelly H. as the weather girl. Ha. 8:41PM
ME: Maybe it is interests me. 9:18PM
MOM: I just can’t imagine what it is. Sorry 4 my denseness. 9:20PM

10/12/12
MOM: It’s warm in here at night & I have to open the window. Days its cold. I think they are heating the vented hall air at nite & not in the day. 12:12PM
MOM: Saw there was a movie on tonite. Hear the music & knew it was little debbie. Can watch that any time. Now stuck on listing movie I don’t like. 8:31PM
MOM: I know i rattle on but you could send a grunt my way once in a while. 9:13PM
ME: Grunt. I was at liz’s all afternoon. Trying to stay awake to watch fringe. 9:22PM
[UGH! She does that to me ALL THE TIME! Except now she doesn't ask for a grunt, on the fourth text she will ask "Are you there?" I am almost 37 years old! I don't have to be anywhere if I don't want to be!]

10/15/12
MOM: Its usually winter before its dark at 5:30. 5:42PM
MOM: There are 4 cones together saving 4 parking spaces. Why? I read proposals. Am voting [ ] on all but #5. 7:04PM
MOM: Played rolling stones cd. Happy with it. Thanks. 7:28PM
MOM: Time for a grunt on your part 7:57PM
ME: Sorry. My phone was in the diaper bag. Glad you liked your cd. Which one is prop 5?

10/17/12
[Following a missed call and voicemail that the fire alarm was going off in her building. I must have been outside when the phone rang and the following text came while I was listening to her voicemail.]
MOM: I am still alive. If you care 1:01PM
ME: I just listened to your voicemail. I was probably outside with the dogs when u called! 1:02PM

11/19/12
ME: I am at [ ] for oil change. I rolled in at 200,000. They were unimpressed. I am trying to talk them into a free oil change or window repair. They seemed unwilling. 11:04AM
MOM: You’ve lost it. No more cute little girl who gets special favors. Welcome to the grownup world. Ha! 11:08AM

11/20 – 11/21/12
MOM: Did you have dinner at liz’s or with liz at church? 10:52PM
ME: Why would that matter. 10:23AM
MOM: It matters that I dont lie to you. You dont need to lie to me. When you do, it makes me feel that you have no respect for me. It makes me feel bad & unwanted. 10:29AM
ME: I know you dont like me for who I am, so I have to edit things. We had dinner at l’s house. with her dad & step-mom. He has only one testicle, because the other got blown off in vietnam. enough details? 10:31AM
MOM: I love you. I think you are a wonderful person of whom i am very proud. 10:48AM
[Her statement is very subjective. I feel that her love is subjective.]

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More Ill Communication

Posted on July 5, 2012 by funnygurl2

MOM: “You know, we go out and there are a lot of men who smile and talk to M [My then 17 month-old son]. And they aren’t looking at you or flirting with you, they are looking at him.” Verbal, April 2012 [Thanks, Mom]

MOM: “I know you say you have lost weight since you had him, but I just don’t see it. You don’t look thinner to me.” Verbal, April 2012 [Thanks, Mom]

6/9/12
ME: I used the poster frame to frame the Advance [local newspaper] with my Riga flag on it. I probably shouldn’t have had it folded all these years. 3:04PM

MOM: Its fine that you want to do that. So why make me feel dumb for hanging the thing you made. Seems same to me. 3:10PM

ME: The flag was my idea. The clay thing the teacher made everyone make. 3:21PM [It is a crappy clay pouch that I made in like the 4th grade.]
MOM: Then why bring it home at all? I need a thing to hold flowers. Why buy when I have something? Just saw cutest dog on TV! 3:26PM [Way to lose focus there, Mom]

MOM: “I expect to die alone. We all do. I hope the shirt I ordered fits.” Verbal, 7/3/12

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Ill Communication: Mean Things My Mom Says to Me

Posted on May 2, 2012 by funnygurl2

-Vacation Edition-

3/10/12

ME: Just so you know, we are probably going to NC apr 13-16. 6:50PM

MOM: Where? 6:52PM

ME: Statesville for J’s aunt & uncle’s wedding anniversary. 6:52PM

MOM: Is that North Carolina? Glad you can afford to go away. 6:54PM [Code for: you can’t afford to go away.]

ME: We can’t. 6:55PM

MOM: You are. 6:55PM [Code for: I have to have the last word]

4/15/12 [On Vacation]

MOM: Are you starting home today? How are you holding up? 8:35AM

ME: Yes. OK. M [my son] is eating less than normal because he is easily distracted. 9:16AM

ME: Checkin out the drawers at the motel. (Picture of a playing M attached) 9:18AM

MOM: Sounds like M is enjoying this. I expected him to be fussy. Must be he’s like J [my husband]. Interested in people. Glad he’s being good for you. I think of pups too. 9:25AM

[What, was I the worst baby ever? Oh, I forgot. I was.]

4/17/12

ME: My souvenir Fiesta Plate (picture attached) 5:42PM
MOM: Is it reg plate size or smaller? Kind of neat to not have to describe it just send a picture. Jamie text me back. Didn’t ring. Yelled about Kenny. Reset abt 4X. 5:51PM

ME: It is a little larger. I might try to hang it on the wall or something. 5:55PM

MOM: Hang plates on the wall just like my mother. Did you listen to the voice text you sent me of M? 5:58PM

ME: I knew you would comment about grandma. 5:58PM

MOM: Call em like I see em 5:59PM

ME: It is like when your mother used to tell you that you were like grandma hayton. 6:01PM

MOM: Sorry 6:03PM

[I won. I made my point and got a sorry.]

I’m not stalking you. is NOW ON FACEBOOK! “Like” that I’m not stalking you and get an update when there is a new post to read. (It is sort of like YOU are stalking ME.)

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Sh*t My Mom Says

Posted on March 7, 2012 by funnygurl2

My mom is rude to me. Like, all the time. And I can’t call her on it or tell her to stop because then she will be like “I can’t say anything to you. You always take it the wrong way.” and start crying. I am the only frickin’ family she has and her primary mode of transportation. You would think she could be just a little nicer to me.

My mother is the most negative person I have ever met. She also has a very powerful law of attraction. In 2006, she was diagnosed with stage four kidney cancer and told she had two months to live. She had the kidney removed, had virtually no treatment, and is still here cancer free today. I believe she only survived because she wanted to be alive longer so she could continue to find things to be miserable about.

When my husband asks me what she says to get me so mad and fired up, I usually can’t remember. But with texting, it is much easier to have examples handy. (I taught my mom to text so that I could talk to her on the phone for shorter periods of time and less frequently.)

Whoops…I think my blog might have just turned into therapy.

Examples from Texts

2011
MOM: Warn me if you are going to find religion.

2/12/12
MOM: Since you haven’t bothered to call me back I have to assume you don’t give a shit that I fell on the hard floor in a public place humiliating & hurting myself. 8:09PM
ME: I couldn’t get your voicemail until 8pm & you told me you were fine. 8:10PM
MOM: I believe I said I survived not that I was fine. It scared the crap out of me. I shook much for 5 min after & lightly thereafter. I hurt & did laundry. 8:17PM

2/15/12
MOM: Do you want to watch Columbo? 3:00PM
ME: No. 3:21PM
MOM: I take offense that everything I like you automatically reject. Everything 3:41PM
ME: I like Scott Hamilton. 3:42PM

2/15/12
MOM: Maybe before the end of Feb we could go in am to Martins & then have lunch. We might even do Bobs. Dutch of course. What think? 5:24PM
ME: It will probably have to be after J gets his truck fixed. Not sure when that will be. 5:26PM
MOM: Didn’t know it was sick. What minimum $400 part does it need? 5:30PM
ME: Not sure. 7:30PM
MOM: So J goes to work with the only working vehicle & you are home all day with the baby & can’t go anywhere. Welcome to the life of a 50’s housewife. Ha. 8:58PM
ME: I have nowhere to go anyway. 9:16PM
MOM: Depressing isn’t it? 9:19PM
ME: No it’s nice 7:07AM
MOM: Don’t start giving Tupperware parties 9:34PM
ME: I can do whatever the fuck I want to do. 7:07AM

I’m not stalking you. is NOW ON FACEBOOK! “Like” that I’m not stalking you and get an update when there is a new post to read. (It is sort of like YOU are stalking ME.)

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The Church of Common Decency

Posted on November 30, 2011 by funnygurl2

The Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

What if there was a church where you didn’t have to believe in God? What if all you had to believe in was the goodness of each other? Believe in being nice to each other?

I want to promote people being good for the sake of being good. Not because they need to get into Heaven or stay out of Hell or stay on a deity’s good side. Everyone would just be nice to each other because it feels good, and for the potential universal karmic payback. If you are nice to someone today when they need it, maybe someone else will help you when you need it.

That is my new dream.

I must admit that this idea came out of experiencing the driving habits of inconsiderate drivers over and over again. My main example is when I was in the Meijer parking lot and had my back door open on my car. I was buckling my infant son into his carseat. A woman came out of the store, got into the van next to me, and proceeded to back out. She did this as I still stood there with my car door open and my easily squishable body behind it. I got so angry. How could someone take the chance of injuring two people and going to jail, rather than sit in her van for two minutes? Asked like that, doesn’t it seem obvious what the correct choice would be?

I had a very similar situation a few months earlier. My senior citizen mother was getting out of my car at the bank. She was getting her purse and her cane, the front door open behind her. A woman came out of the bank, got into her car directly beside us, and proceeded to back out. When she had parked, her front tires were turned. This caused her car to head right for my car door and my mom. It being summer, the woman had her window open and heard my exclamation, something like “Hey” (short for “Hey, what the hell are you doing?). Of course, she had been only looking behind her, with no regard for who she was about to squish. I think she gave a half-hearted apology, straightened her wheel, and back out the rest of the way.

More than just vehicle etiquette, there are tons of other situations in our daily life where we could help a stranger and it would create a big pay off. I guess maybe it could also be the Church of Common Courtesy. The mission statement could be something like:

Church of Common Courtesy
Our mission is to promote the good that is in everyone, encourage helping one another as much as your means and abilities will allow, and discourage evil and rude behavior.

I guess the problem is, people don’t like to be nice and polite. It is not a human’s natural state. That is why we have laws and religion already–to force people to follow the rules and get along when they don’t want to.

Ah, but a girl can dream…

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