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Disney’s Next Hit Movie: “Sister From Another Mother” starring Ashton Kutcher

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Who’s your Daddy?


I had a dream about an Ashton Kutcher movie. In the movie, he had knocked up two chicks within a year. He saw both the girls and their mothers only briefly now and then. The one mom and daughter were bitchy. The second mom and daughter were nice. They both started putting their daughters in beauty pageants. Ashton would go and cheer them both on. They are like six and seven years old. Then the good mom gets sick, so Ashton has to take over as the pageant mother. At first the other mom and daughter just laugh at Ashton and the good daughter. But then they feel sorry for them and help them out, learning to not be so bitchy. I figure Disney could make it. It would remind people of The Parent Trap.

My husband wanted to know what I would call it. I would call it “Sister From Another Mother”. Then you could have a sequel without Ashton called “Sister From Another Mother: Summer Camp”. Then you could have the straight-to-DVD “Sister From Another Mother: School Dance”.

I’m not stalking you. is NOW ON FACEBOOK! “Like” that I’m not stalking you and get an update when there is a new post to read. (It is sort of like YOU are stalking ME.)

More Ill Communication

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MOM: “You know, we go out and there are a lot of men who smile and talk to M [My then 17 month-old son]. And they aren’t looking at you or flirting with you, they are looking at him.” Verbal, April 2012 [Thanks, Mom]

MOM: “I know you say you have lost weight since you had him, but I just don’t see it. You don’t look thinner to me.” Verbal, April 2012 [Thanks, Mom]

6/9/12
ME: I used the poster frame to frame the Advance [local newspaper] with my Riga flag on it. I probably shouldn’t have had it folded all these years. 3:04PM

MOM: Its fine that you want to do that. So why make me feel dumb for hanging the thing you made. Seems same to me. 3:10PM

ME: The flag was my idea. The clay thing the teacher made everyone make. 3:21PM [It is a crappy clay pouch that I made in like the 4th grade.]
MOM: Then why bring it home at all? I need a thing to hold flowers. Why buy when I have something? Just saw cutest dog on TV! 3:26PM [Way to lose focus there, Mom]

MOM: “I expect to die alone. We all do. I hope the shirt I ordered fits.” Verbal, 7/3/12

Ill Communication: Mean Things My Mom Says to Me

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-Vacation Edition-

3/10/12

ME: Just so you know, we are probably going to NC apr 13-16. 6:50PM

MOM: Where? 6:52PM

ME: Statesville for J’s aunt & uncle’s wedding anniversary. 6:52PM

MOM: Is that North Carolina? Glad you can afford to go away. 6:54PM [Code for: you can’t afford to go away.]

ME: We can’t. 6:55PM

MOM: You are. 6:55PM [Code for: I have to have the last word]

4/15/12 [On Vacation]

MOM: Are you starting home today? How are you holding up? 8:35AM

ME: Yes. OK. M [my son] is eating less than normal because he is easily distracted. 9:16AM

ME: Checkin out the drawers at the motel. (Picture of a playing M attached) 9:18AM

MOM: Sounds like M is enjoying this. I expected him to be fussy. Must be he’s like J [my husband]. Interested in people. Glad he’s being good for you. I think of pups too. 9:25AM

[What, was I the worst baby ever? Oh, I forgot. I was.]

4/17/12

ME: My souvenir Fiesta Plate (picture attached) 5:42PM
MOM: Is it reg plate size or smaller? Kind of neat to not have to describe it just send a picture. Jamie text me back. Didn’t ring. Yelled about Kenny. Reset abt 4X. 5:51PM

ME: It is a little larger. I might try to hang it on the wall or something. 5:55PM

MOM: Hang plates on the wall just like my mother. Did you listen to the voice text you sent me of M? 5:58PM

ME: I knew you would comment about grandma. 5:58PM

MOM: Call em like I see em 5:59PM

ME: It is like when your mother used to tell you that you were like grandma hayton. 6:01PM

MOM: Sorry 6:03PM

[I won. I made my point and got a sorry.]

I’m not stalking you. is NOW ON FACEBOOK! “Like” that I’m not stalking you and get an update when there is a new post to read. (It is sort of like YOU are stalking ME.)

My Real Resume

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ROLES & RESPONSIBILITIES

Wife
-Population Control
-Domestic Administrator
-Chef
-Personal Shopper
-Budget Overlord
-Time Management
-Scheduler
-Zookeeper
-Records Archive Director
-Historian
-Psychic
-Hair Stylist
-Concubine
-Closet Organizer

Mom
-Part-time Nanny
-Teacher
-Nurturer
-Photographer
-Diaper Quality Inspector

Daughter
-Chauffeur
-Technology Expert
-Furniture Mover
-Entertainment Committee
-Slave

Homeowner
-Wildlife Relocation Specialist

Asbestos Friend
-Thrower of Baby BBQs
-Accomplished email time suck

SPECIALTIES

Specializing in entertainment trivia, offbeat humor, & good hygiene.

Skills
-10 key calculator
-Disaster preparedness
-First Aid administrator
-Amateur weather prediction
-American Red Cross Dog First Aid certified
-Blogger Extraordinaire

Education
-Was on high school honor roll 22 of 24 marking periods.
-Accomplished this while watching 58 hrs of television a week.
-Graduated .03 GPA from a summa cum laude in college.
-Learned not to be different in any way thanks to Middle School.
-Only missed one word all year in 4th grade spelling (stupid “Caynon”. I MEAN CANYON!!!).
-Co-Editor of high school newspaper.

Desired Salary
$2,000,000 the first year, and $1,000,000 each year thereafter, plus a $1,000,000 signing bonus.
Fame to go with my fortune would be considered a bonus.

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